Please forgive me for I have not blogged. It’s been 4 days since my last post, which equates to approximately 2 years, 5 months and 18 days in internet time. I also neglected to post my Friday Best Pictures Ever post. I will not offer excuses, although they are really good ones, and instead beg for your continued readership. I plead temporary sanity. Oh dear reader, I am heartily sorry for having offended you. I detest my lack of posting because you had nothing to read, but most of all because my lack thereof was offensive to you, who are all good and deserving of all my posts – all my post are belong to you. I firmly resolve, with the help of your support, to post again and to avoid the occurrences that cause me not to post.
Last night I went to Barnes & Noble (feel free to send me a gift card B & N executives who may be reading this) with my niece (DivaBob DivaPants – DBDP – Age 7) and my daughter (Tomboy Princess – TP- Age 8) so Super Awesome Husband (SAH – Age – 42) could pick up a couple of books for one his classes. (He has gone back to school to get his early childhood education degree so he can teach 3rd or 4th grade and be an overpaid government employee who only works from 8-3 M-F and gets the entire summer off to goof around. Please note all the intended sarcasm. Ann Coulter – pbbbtthhhh.)
Conversation went down like this:
Me: DBDP – what do you want for your birthday?
DBDP: Stuff I like. You know, like zombies, monsters and Star Wars.
TP: You know what I like? Motorcycles. And cute boys on motorcycles.
What shall we talk about first? That’s she doesn’t really know anyone that has a motorcycle? That she is only 8? Her predilection for tattooed bad boys? That she’s been trying to pick up older men since she was 5?
CASE STUDY 1 – AGE 5
Eating at a local Mediterranean place that has amazing food. The waiter, probably in his mid-twenties, sets the pita bread and hummus on the table. As he does so, the arm of his short sleeve shirt inches up a bit so that the bottom quarter of a tattoo is showing. TP & Waiter have the following dialogue:
TP: Is that a tattoo?
Waiter: It is a tattoo.
TP: Can I see the rest of it?
Waiter: (Looks to me as to ask if it’s okay – I nod my head yes.) Sure. (Pushes up sleeve revealing some sort of tribal sun thing.)
TP: That’s a very nice tattoo. I really, really like it. (As she is running her fingers up and down the design. I kid you not.)
CASE STUDY 2 – AGE 6
Eating at a Mexican restaurant in Austin. They have zero vegan options, so I’m having tableside guacamole for dinner, which, of course, requires the waiter to be “tableside” for an extended period. TP talks to the waiter the entire time. Upon his departure, Max & Mr.Schmee – her older brothers – start the following reprimand:
Max: Stop flirting with the waiter!!
Mr. Schmee: Yeah. It’s embarrassing.
TP: I’m not flirting with him!
Max: Yes you are. And he’s too old for you!
TP: I just think he’s cute. I don’t want to make out with him or anything.
Me: Wait. What? Where did you even learn the words “make out”?!?! This conversation is over and nobody is talking to the waiter except Dad or I. (And thus began the one-year iCarly ban. Which was extremely difficult as I have a crush on Spencer Shay. And no, we are not going to discuss where she inherited this trait from, so shut it. Besides, I have it on good authority that SAH followed a waitress all around some steak place in San Antonio when he was 6 because he had a crush on her.)
CASE STUDY 3 – AGE 7
Dropped Max off at baseball practice and heading to the Goodwill store down the street (in which I purchased three almost brand new Ann Taylor Loft skirts for less than $10 – SCORE!) when a pick-up truck pulls up next to us:
TP: Mom. Don’t look now, but there’s a really cute guy in the truck next to us. If he was younger I’d roll down my window and ask him what his name was.
Me: (I look over – if you want me to do something – just tell me not to do it.) He has to be at least 25.
TP: I know Mom. That’s why I said if he was younger.
Me: To be young enough to talk to you, he would be sitting in the back seat in a booster seat.
TP: I just think he’s cute. That’s all. And I wish he was a little younger.
I have so many Case Studies I could fill up a binder or two, but you get my drift. She currently has 5 friends that happen to be boys and about twice a month she tries to discuss which one is “husband material”. Again – what?!? I don’t even – hey! Why don’t you get a Popsicle out of the fridge? (Because changing the subject with sugar ALWAYS works. Always.)
Her father and I have been scanning eBay and Craig’s list for a used tower and dragon, but we’ve had zero luck. If you know of anyone who is selling theirs, please let me know. Buying new costs are astronomical. She hates her hair being longer than her shoulders, so we don’t have to worry about any Rapunzel-like shenanigans. SAH promises we will let her out later. When she’s 32.