I know you are freakishly excited that I am posting not once, BUT TWICE, today. Try and keep your cool, though. I’m serious – sit down. Jeesh. I won’t tell anyone else this – but you really need to work on your running man. It’s not very good. At all.
If you have been reading my blog for a while now (and boy, I have been blogging FOREVER. http://www.crazyasnormal.com EST. JANUARY 31, 2013), you know that I am a bit of a smart-umm-I think I put rated G when I registered for this blog. I am a bit of a smart-butt, smart-tooshie, smart-tukus, smart-buns – those are all “G” words – right?
It just happens. Everywhere. I am lucky I haven’t been sacked. For your enjoyment today, I am sending you verbatim text of emails I have sent to the entire office. (And not gotten fired for.)
1. 7TH STREET BRIDGE ONE LANE IN EACH DIRECTION UNTIL THIS SUMMER WHEN IT SHUTS DOWN COMPLETELY.
SO – what I’m saying is go down the Lancaster bridge, okay? Or get caught in a traffic jam. It’s up to you.
If you try to go down 7th St bridge and are all “cuss this”, “cuss that”, & “I’m late”, I told you not to.
The Office Will Be Closed on Monday in observance of Martin Luther King Day.
Any questions? Please call [redacted] at [redacted]. (that’s our CEO’s name & number at the corporate office-hopefully no one actually called!)
Thank you and have a great day!
3. Mr. [redacted] suggested closing the office down at 2:00 pm today, New Year’s Eve.
Out of the generosity of my heart I will grant you all until 1:30 to let me know that you soundly object and those you need will remain on board and at your service. If I do not hear back from you, I will assume that you think this is the best idea EVER.
Thank you and warmest regards,
(oh – and see you next year – arrivederci baby!)
4. Our servers are back up.
And there was much rejoicing. Yay.
5. A long, long time ago in a land far away our company sent Christmas Cards out to the good people (and by good people I mean people who help us make money) of the world. Some of received your list from 2007 attached to another email. If you need it again, let me know. Go through and change as you feel necessary – others of you have never done this before so I sent you a new form. Why all the blanks stares? Just open the form and fill it out.
I know you boys terribly missed me harassing you about this over the last 4 days, so I wanted to get started as early as possible today.
I need these back from you sometime today please!(You can tell I mean business by the bold, underline, and yellow highlight – and you don’t want to see me mad - it’s really rather terrible and scary – with all the wailing and gnashing of the teeth and whatnot.
6. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone!!!
Please Remember These Important Things Today:
- We close at noon
- You have a Christmas Card List due by 5 on Monday
- Also: 1) Do Not Eat Unless you are Hungry 2)Alternate your alcoholic beverages with water 3) Run on a treadmill for 2 hours and 26 minutes
7. [Redacted] is out of the office, so [Other Redacted] will be playing the role of receptionist. She does fabulously in this role, so we should be fine. If you find yourself in need of a runner, [Other Redacted] can certainly play that role, but your admin will then need to take over the receptionist duties in[Other Redacted]’s absence. Capiche?
Also – Our dishwasher seems to have tossed its cookies all over the break room floor. I have called maintenance, but just in case – there’s a whole lot of slippery going on in there right now. Hopefully it will be rectified before you get here.
Now go do deals. I mean it.
8. Subject: Front Office Printer is Out of Commission Until Further Notice
But please feel free to ignore and then ask me why it’s not printing. That’s what I’m here for.
Subject: Front Office Printer is Now Back Online
You may now disregard my previous message, if you had indeed previously regarded it.